Whispers in the Heart, Part 8

This week we continue on with the first chapter of my “Remnants of Eden: Evolution, Deep-Time, & the Antediluvian World.” God bless, and stay with me as the story unfolds with the next post…

It is not easy to write this, to admit my former proclivities for all to know. Though outwardly humble, even somewhat withdrawn, at heart I was a monster, blind to all but my own inclinations; like a predator seeking prey. I cannot justify my former motivations in any acceptable moral capacity, but I can freely admit that my drive was personal and powerful, and for me made worthwhile by the feelings of superiority I felt towards those I condemned, criticized, and converted. In my eyes, their stronghold of faith was mine for the taking, and I did so repeatedly with cold, determined intent.

How many did I lead astray? How many prayers were never said because of my actions? To how many did I do irreparable harm? I would love to believe that, in spite of my efforts, I failed to sufficiently drive any away from the faith, yet I know this not to be the case. How many are out there to whom I have done the ultimate disservice? My heart breaks pondering the potential…

We as believers are assured that God has a plan and that everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen plays a role in that ultimate plan.¹ Looking back on what I did for so long, the faith I damaged, the lives I changed for the worse, I must trust that His promise is true. I believe God allowed me to go down that road as a precursor to another life which lay on the horizon, just outside of my vision, and far removed from my previous ambitions.

Deceived as I was then, emboldened by false proofs, I continued my regular persecution of the faithful for several years. Though not naturally gregarious and quite socially awkward, I found strength in the worldview I espoused, courage within the doctrines of men. Whether in the Student Union at college or during smoke breaks at work, I tended to find a way to raise my flag of scientific superiority against believers and wage a gentle war of logical persuasion against their faith. I could typically tell when I had succeeded, the weight of the “evidence” becoming obvious, shoulders drooping ever so slightly, the corner of their lips turning down just enough to be noticeable, hope dimming in their eyes as they shifted their gaze…

There were those however who withstood my assaults. No matter the rationale I used, no matter upon what evidence I stood, they remained resolute in their devotion to Christ. Despite my resentment for their beliefs, deep down I held a degree of admiration for them and how, despite the seemingly obvious, they remained steadfast. My wife was one such person. Frequently I would raise the subject, yet, no matter how logical it seemed to me, she remained one of the strong, standing firmly in her faith. It was refreshing, if mildly infuriating, to have that dichotomy between us, to have ground upon which we could each individually stand, yet to still be able to love each other as man and wife should.

Despite our inherent differences, she was my rock, always willing to dutifully support me. No matter how insane my whims, nor how monstrous I had become, she stood alongside me still. Such was the case with my planned company and my ultimate goals concerning it. Though earlier I had agreed to her demand to abandon the company, I found myself descending into an angry and hopeless depression in the months after our marriage, feeling quite lost without the direction it had so long provided. Because of this, because of the state I was in and no doubt the state to which I would yet fall, Sharee bowed to my pleas, tearfully allowing me to resume my quixotic dreams. She absolutely abhorred the idea, not only morally, but also as a common-sense individual who saw little merit in pursuing such fanciful dreams.

Even so, against everything she held dear, she stood with me and supported me in love, offering advice from her perspective. In fact, the very briefcase that accompanied me to company meetings was a gift from her for just that purpose. Together we agreed that until the company was established and the technology in place, we would keep my endeavors quiet from the public. If for no other reason, we counted on this silence to give us time to focus on the future without having to address the certain-to-be-asked questions as to “how,” and more importantly, “why.”

Notes:

  1. Romans 8:28 – “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

The Story Continues with the Next Post…


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